The Token Black Friend

I grew up in a small town in Texas. Growing up, I was exposed to all different cultures and people but more often than not, I was largely surrounded by white people. I was innocent as a child and did not understand color until one day at daycare. I was around the age of 7 or so and wanted to hang out with the girls who were considered popular. I went up to them and one of the girls told me that I could not hang out with them unless I painted my face white. That was my first interaction with racism that I could recall.

High school was the toughest time for me and I am still processing some of the events that happened. The high school I went to was very diverse but the advanced placement classes did not reflect that fact. I felt out of place since I was usually one of the very few Black people in the class. I felt like the token Black kid. I recall being called an oreo. I had to have this term explained to me the first time I heard it. One of my peers stated," You know how an oreo is, black on the outside but white on the inside." The term did not make sense to me but I took it as a way of being accepted. I asked a close friend what she meant by referring to me as the "whitest Black person" she knew. She explained that I was not like the other Black people.

I always felt as though I never fit in. I was not seen as Black enough for my Black peers but seen as a token Black person to my white peers. I struggled with my identity. I wondered what was wrong with me. It was not until later down the road that I would meet others which similar experiences to mine.

I later discovered that what I experienced in high school is referred to as microaggressions. Microagressions are defined as "in-direct subtle, or unintentional discrimination against members of a marginalized group." As a result, those who experience microaggressions tend to have lower self-esteem. For the longest time, I thought being called an oreo was a compliment. I did not have anyone around me as support letting me know what the expression meant. White is the standard for how we should act and behave. I am well versed and enjoy all types of music, some of which people consider to be white culture. White people saw my behaviors and interest outside of what their preconceived notion of Black people was. Another microaggression I heard a lot referenced to Black people like athletes. I was in debate class one day when a peer told me that Black people have an extra muscle in their leg that helps them run faster. He believed that explained why Black people were good athletes. Here I am in a room full of White people and witnessing an ignorant comment such as that.

In college, I started to realize the effects of subtle racism. I was in a prestigious program at the community college that I attended. We had an end-of-the-year banquet and I brought my fiance (boyfriend at the time) Marco with me. I had raved about some of the people in the program and I was excited for him to meet them. One guy, in particular, had seemed very excited to meet Marco. At the end of the banquet, we are all talking and introducing our significant others. The said scholar was looking at Marco with a disgusted look on his face. I introduce them both and we spend some time shooting a breeze. The guy has a girlfriend and she started a conversation with Marco. Somehow the topic of college came up and the friend was surprised to find out that Marco had received a full ride to Texas Tech University. The next part was appalling. Marco started explaining his interest and the guy assumed that Marco changed his degree because of the math level difficulty. Marco quickly stood up for himself and inserted that he actually received a scholarship based on his academic performance and he found the math coursework easy. The said person seemed very surprised when hearing his news. I noticed how Marco felt he had to defend him self and prove to these people he his potential. These people at the banquet were complete strangers and judged Marco based on the color of his skin.

Throughout my life, experiences such as the one mentioned above seemed completely normal. I always felt like I had to prove my worth. I felt like people were only going to see me for the color of my skin and judge me based on stereotypes. I never felt that I could just be myself. I was always apprehensive and anticipated for someone to say something racist. I was not able to trust others and let them in because of what happened in my past. I became furious when I saw my white counterparts acting whichever way they wanted. I was upset when I saw them benefit from privilege and not even acknowledge it. Somehow, this anger finally turned into forgiveness.

I started to forgive the people in the past. I started to educate myself as well and work through misconceptions that I had towards other groups. I started making friends with other people who shared similar experiences. I devoted my undergraduate thesis to explore the effects of racism, acculturation, and discrimination on mental health among college students. I started reading to understand what I can do for my community and how to use my voice.

I am fortunate to be able to share these experiences. There are others who sadly do not have a safe place to do so. I want this blog to be a safe space. Social media is not always a protected place to share our thoughts and experiences. I want my stories to be told along with many others. 2020 was a difficult year. There are so many people in our communities that are hurting. There are mothers, daughters, sons, fathers, aunts, and uncles who are mourning the loss of their loved ones taken too soon at the hands of a police officer. Our communities need healing and need to be reunited. We have to challenge ourselves and our beliefs in order to grow. At the end of everything, we are all human beings. Our race, where we come from, our language, and our culture should not divide us. Instead, it should bring us all together.